Friday, March 11, 2011
Pandeism: How Powerful Is Your Creator?
Let us propose, to begin with, that our Universe is the product of a conscious act of Creation.
If you believe that ours is a created Universe, then there is only one question to ask.
Is the Creator in which you believe powerful enough to set forth the Universe as we experience it -- in every particular -- while needing do nothing more than set forth the energy of this Universe and the governing dynamics which control the behavior of that energy?
Is it powerful enough to initiate a Universe where everything which we experience comes to pass -- stars, planets, the origin of life, the rise of complex ecosystems, the rise of intelligent life, machinery, technology, and social institutions (including religious institutions, writings, and beliefs) -- by doing no more than simply initially causing this Creation?
Is it powerful enough to bring about our complete experience of our world without needing to interfere again, other than through the moment of Creation?
**** If the Creator in which you believe is not this powerful, then it is definitionally inferior in power to one which is. ****
Now, you may claim that it has such power, but that you nonetheless believe it has continued to intervene....
But if it was powerful enough to bring about our Universe in every particular without intervening... that would include bringing about the appearance of intervention where there is none.
And you may claim to believe your Creator has told you otherwise....
But if it was powerful enough to bring about our Universe in every particular.... that would include bringing about your belief that you have been told things -- even when you have not.
And you may claim to believe your Creator would not mislead you....
But every faith has its own holy books and sacred traditions. And though these contradict and conflict with one another, most of their adherents share the conviction that theirs is the only truth, and that their Creator would not mislead them.
But if our Creator was powerful enough to bring about our Universe in every particular, without intervening in any way after the very moment of Creation.... that would include bringing about both your belief, and the set of everyone else's competing beliefs, that you would not be mislead.
But then, there is another model of the Creator, that which is discerned by the theological theories of Deism, and subsets of this, such as Pandeism....
The deistic/pandeistic Creator is not only powerful enough to bring about our Universe in every particular --including the existence of intelligent life and all of our beliefs and traditions--through nothing more than a singular, perhaps transformative moment of Creation....
Deism generally, and Pandeism especially, are the models in which it has actually done this.
And this accounts for our Universe in every particular, including all beliefs to the contrary.
Naturally, it may yet be denied that this theological model is sufficient to provide an adequate accounting for every aspect of our Universe....
The denier need only confess that their God lacks the power to set forth our Universe in such a manner, and some other model will become necessary.
----
An abbreviated version of this proposition -- but with some nifty background images and killer homemade background music -- may be viewed on the YouTube PanDeism Channel....
A fellow noder proposes that the "use of the word 'after' excludes any creator for whom time has no meaning".... He continues:
A worm on a cylinder can only move freely in two dimensions - forward/backward on the cylinder, or around it. Were the worm sentient, the concept of a third dimension through which it could move freely would be a difficult concept to grasp. Likewise it is with us - we live in a universe with nine spatial dimensions and one time dimension, but consciously experience only four and can freely move through only three, thus our understanding of time and power over it is severely limited. A creator bound by the same constraints as us would indeed be 'tinkering' with his universe ex post facto, but a creator for which all events happen in simultaneity (for which time is not a meaningful construct) would not be tinkering ex post facto - there is no ex post facto! To this creator, there would be no past or future, just now.
I would, naturally, hope that any entity capable of Creating our Universe would know the meaning of "time," and would understand (and be capable of operating congruent to) things occurring in time, including all human experience. But more to the point of this discussion, suppose I were to claim our Creator to be powerful enough to set forth a Creation which appears exactly as ours down to every particular, while doing no more than setting forth governing dynamics, irrespective of whether the Creator occupies our "passage of time," and so, irrespective of whether anything appears to occur "after" anything else. Surely the proposition that things need not occur "in time" does not then require that things which do occur "in time" require the intervention of a Universe-Creator, else we would be required to give equal credence to every claim of revelation or divine intervention for a thousand contradictory belief systems!! But, a sufficiently powerful Creator could naetheless set forth a Universe wherein, with no interference by that Creator in the governing dynamics set forth in the moment of Creation, intelligent beings come about who have my fellow noder's thought that their Creator might be one for whom time has no meaning, even if it does!!
Thursday, March 10, 2011
God is a pretty girl across the bar who smiles and waves in your direction; and you think she is waving at you
You know how sometimes you're sitting in the middle of the bar.... and you notice a pretty girl who's looking your way -- and she's smiling at you, maybe even coyly waving? And you think, "wow, this girl is actually coming on to me!!" But then, just as you're about to get up to go talk to her, you realize that she was looking and smiling and waving at someone else, someone way behind you, the whole damn time -- she's never actually even noticed you!! She was (and remains) blissfully unaware and unconcerned with your very existence, and you, well you were simply so caught up in that moment, in the secret desire to be the target of that affection, that you were primed to believe that it was you she was looking at.
Now imagine you were at a table in middle of the bar with some buddies, and you all thought the pretty girl was looking in the direction of your table. You'd surely mention that amongst yourselves, give to one another affirmation and encouragement that you were collectively the targets of her observational affection -- your reassurance suggesting, if not outright declaring, how very worthy you are to be the subjects of this pretty girl's interest. And if one amongst your group were to have doubts, the rest of you might collectively try to talk him down from them.
Well now.... write that sentiment larger and consider the possibility that that's how certain amongst the theistic faiths, especially the believers in an interventionist personal deity, are about believing that they are the target of divine attention, all of the time. Like the man in the middle, they sense a divine presence underlying our Universe and immediately imagine that it's looking, smiling, waving right at them!! Joyously they erect the conceit that their Creator wants to be with them, and fulfill various of their scenarios for receiving happiness. And these people unknowingly looked beyond, they get together in groups to reassure each other that such is the case, that it is really they who are the targets of an unbound supply of love and attention. And they inspire the most self-certain amongst them to put on the haughtiness of faux authority and lecture to all the others that this is indeed the case. And wherever someone suggests otherwise, they try to convince, and failing that, denounce.
But who are we, who possibly feel the presence without even the capacity to gauge the gaze, to claim to be the target of what we perceive, wish, desire gutturally? Who, indeed, are we even to note the eyes of the pretty girl at the other end of the bar, and before ever hearing a word from her, to instantly assure ourselves that her gaze and her smile and her wave signify no less than her compelling wish to bestow undying love upon the subject of those motions? And, naturally, that it is we alone to whom they might be aimed?
Now imagine you were at a table in middle of the bar with some buddies, and you all thought the pretty girl was looking in the direction of your table. You'd surely mention that amongst yourselves, give to one another affirmation and encouragement that you were collectively the targets of her observational affection -- your reassurance suggesting, if not outright declaring, how very worthy you are to be the subjects of this pretty girl's interest. And if one amongst your group were to have doubts, the rest of you might collectively try to talk him down from them.
Well now.... write that sentiment larger and consider the possibility that that's how certain amongst the theistic faiths, especially the believers in an interventionist personal deity, are about believing that they are the target of divine attention, all of the time. Like the man in the middle, they sense a divine presence underlying our Universe and immediately imagine that it's looking, smiling, waving right at them!! Joyously they erect the conceit that their Creator wants to be with them, and fulfill various of their scenarios for receiving happiness. And these people unknowingly looked beyond, they get together in groups to reassure each other that such is the case, that it is really they who are the targets of an unbound supply of love and attention. And they inspire the most self-certain amongst them to put on the haughtiness of faux authority and lecture to all the others that this is indeed the case. And wherever someone suggests otherwise, they try to convince, and failing that, denounce.
But who are we, who possibly feel the presence without even the capacity to gauge the gaze, to claim to be the target of what we perceive, wish, desire gutturally? Who, indeed, are we even to note the eyes of the pretty girl at the other end of the bar, and before ever hearing a word from her, to instantly assure ourselves that her gaze and her smile and her wave signify no less than her compelling wish to bestow undying love upon the subject of those motions? And, naturally, that it is we alone to whom they might be aimed?
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Pandeism -- a convincing and attractive philosophy
Here is a vid that gets right to the heart of it....
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Pandeism and Libertarianism
I will attempt to explain here why Pandeism ought to be considered as the natural theological viewpoint for adherents of the libertarian political viewpoint. I confess, at the outset, that though the pandeists I know run across the political spectrum, there tends to be a concentration toward what is modernly euphemistically denoted the "progressive" end of the political spectrum (seeking to broaden the activities of government into as many areas as it may be conceived to possibly be "helpful" -- which is, ultimately, all of them). But, the startling fact of the matter is that Pandeism supports a fundamentally conservative political position (regarding conservatism in the traditional political sense of seeking to minimize the intrusiveness of government against individual freedom). Two lines of reasoning support this assertion.
The liberalism of the leaps of theism:
The first is that the theistic faiths tend to make leaps of assumption beyond what a reasoned examination of the facts allows. That is, they take from the facts an overly imaginative (and self-servingly optimistic), and in that sense overly liberal set of suppositions as to what conclusions may be drawn from them. The pandeistic model, conversely, allows no nonsense, and admits of no assumptive leaps of belief beyond what is justified by a rational, logical examination of the facts before us.
I level this charge at no theistic group in particular, though I'll comment that I've known very few libertarian practitioners of Islam, and many who claim to mix the oil and water of libertarianism and Christianity, including even those who fancy themselves libertarian and yet would use the rough tool of government coercion to impose religious prohibitions on their fellows. But I tell you now, a rational examination of our physical and spiritual realities requires as dispassionate an eye as an examination of our civil and economic realities.
To look upon the face of our Universe and imagine that it supports the view of a deity which cares for our interests is simply a proposition lacking of effective proof and even further removed than looking at the solid evidence right here on Earth, where so many look upon the face of human endeavor and imagine that a government, in token part representative or otherwise, cares for our interests. A solid portion of mankind remains forever hopeful that God and Government will right themselves and rush to our rescue, but the sorry catalogue of history reveals the rarity with which belief in either has done much more than squander human resources in webs of all-too-human corruption.
It can not be too keenly stressed how the pandeistic model, on the other hand, fully accounts for every thing touted as proof of any and all theistic faiths -- every scripture, every miracle, every vision, prophecy, emotional response -- all of it, fully accounted for, and all without contradicting any shred of scientific evidence. And, it accomplishes this without offending the rule of logic expressed by Occam's Razor by requiring any of the dreaded excess assumptions which gum up the works of other theological models (things such as theodicy, inconsistent revelations, the question of the destiny of the unevagelised, evil spirits, deities so faulty as to need to tinker with their own creation, and all the rest). Pandeism, then, truly, is literally the most conservative religious view, taking no liberal leaps of fancy from the evidence presented to land on vain conclusions contradicting common sense.
Theistic oppression of personal freedom:
The second is how theistic faiths tend overwhelmingly to be opposed to liberty, proscriptive of freedom, and especially encouraging of government interference with that freedom. As tended to be expressed by American theocrats, this proscriptiveness cuts against disfavored sexual behavior, against fornication (even between unmarried adults!!), against masturbation, consumption of pornography (as it is a masturbational aid), against commerce in sexual activity, against divorce, and, naturally, against homosexuality. Though the disposition against almost all of these may be traced to sociobiological factors, theocrats prefer to echo them as pronouncements from a deity. And, though they assure their fellow man that such deity will undertake to punish whoever engages in these disfavored activities, they obviously remain unsure enough of that to seek to use the government as an engine of enforcement of their religious restrictions. The brute impositions of Islamic tyrannies simply echoes what would be the situation in America and other Western countries if Christians were able to fully impose their Biblical ideologies on those nations, with a lowly few of the least civilised still deigning, in the name of Christianity to stone sinners to death.
But denouncement of sexual conduct is hardly the only activity upon which theistic faiths seek to bring down the fist of the state. As loose as theistic scriptures are, there is hardly a cause or an industry which may not find cause to restrict the freedom and tap the wallets of individuals on the basis of some religious commandment. Throughout much of history, state-run and enforced public welfare has come at the behest of the Church, and under the prompting of scripture. Remember that the first American compulsory public school systems were established at the direction of Protestants seeking to use these institutions to inculcate the children of Catholic immigrants into Protestant ideology.
Labor movements and environmental laws have equally benefited from citations to religious authority. The Death Penalty is pressed and opposed with equal vigor based on arguments from revelational texts. Slavery found powerful verses to its advantage in the religious books, just as did the opponents of this practice. Costly war has been brought and justified all down history on the wings of words in religious texts, contending that there is a God which wishes this or that group of nonbelievers (or just "other" believers) crushed and subjugated to "its" will in "our" name. Even such simple things as special tax exemptions for theistic institutions (who naetheless continue to generate the public costs of roads and police and fire department services), zoning to favor the interests of the church, and fights over whether textbooks ought to contain scientific or religious accounts, all of these drain the public coffers and create pressures for the government to find ways to extract from the economy what is required to pour into the economic void of theistic fulfillment. And lest we forget that this spigot turns both ways, many are the periods in human experience where the weight of the thumb of government has pushed the pen of the religious writer, so that the words of the religious texts may be rewritten or reinterpreted in line with the interests of the holders of political power.
Pandeism: cutting through the waste and oppression:
The theological theory of pandeism offers none of these reasons for waste and oppression in the name of religious faith. It has no scripture. Again, it instead accounts for all asserted signs of the divine as simple manifestations of the unconscious power of a Creator which only underlies and sustains our Universe -- the most conservative extrapolation to be made from the available evidence. Now there is some logical justifiability to the progressive pandeist sentiment as well, for if we are to believe that all of our shared experience is the experience had by our Creator, we might feel compelled to use the levers of power to ensure a society which provides positive experiences even to the downtrodden.
But the pandeist who is able to surpass the momentary sentimentality of believing that government will tend to operate as it ideally ought to will admit the general and typical failure of government to work with efficiency (except when achieving malevolent ends), or to achieve the very best of its aims. And, it may hardly be denied that each of us, as individuals, is in the best position to determine what will advance our own fulfillment of experience, and to take responsibility for pursuing that advance. We ought not to rely on some collective governmental entity, inevitably and perpetually falling subject to the influences of powerful interests seeking to benefit themselves and not their fellows. And so, the pandeistic model, seen through open eyes, augments the argument of libertarianism and derails the capacity of the theistic faiths to engage government as a tool of oppression in favor of their man-manufactured divine prohibitions.
The liberalism of the leaps of theism:
The first is that the theistic faiths tend to make leaps of assumption beyond what a reasoned examination of the facts allows. That is, they take from the facts an overly imaginative (and self-servingly optimistic), and in that sense overly liberal set of suppositions as to what conclusions may be drawn from them. The pandeistic model, conversely, allows no nonsense, and admits of no assumptive leaps of belief beyond what is justified by a rational, logical examination of the facts before us.
I level this charge at no theistic group in particular, though I'll comment that I've known very few libertarian practitioners of Islam, and many who claim to mix the oil and water of libertarianism and Christianity, including even those who fancy themselves libertarian and yet would use the rough tool of government coercion to impose religious prohibitions on their fellows. But I tell you now, a rational examination of our physical and spiritual realities requires as dispassionate an eye as an examination of our civil and economic realities.
To look upon the face of our Universe and imagine that it supports the view of a deity which cares for our interests is simply a proposition lacking of effective proof and even further removed than looking at the solid evidence right here on Earth, where so many look upon the face of human endeavor and imagine that a government, in token part representative or otherwise, cares for our interests. A solid portion of mankind remains forever hopeful that God and Government will right themselves and rush to our rescue, but the sorry catalogue of history reveals the rarity with which belief in either has done much more than squander human resources in webs of all-too-human corruption.
It can not be too keenly stressed how the pandeistic model, on the other hand, fully accounts for every thing touted as proof of any and all theistic faiths -- every scripture, every miracle, every vision, prophecy, emotional response -- all of it, fully accounted for, and all without contradicting any shred of scientific evidence. And, it accomplishes this without offending the rule of logic expressed by Occam's Razor by requiring any of the dreaded excess assumptions which gum up the works of other theological models (things such as theodicy, inconsistent revelations, the question of the destiny of the unevagelised, evil spirits, deities so faulty as to need to tinker with their own creation, and all the rest). Pandeism, then, truly, is literally the most conservative religious view, taking no liberal leaps of fancy from the evidence presented to land on vain conclusions contradicting common sense.
Theistic oppression of personal freedom:
The second is how theistic faiths tend overwhelmingly to be opposed to liberty, proscriptive of freedom, and especially encouraging of government interference with that freedom. As tended to be expressed by American theocrats, this proscriptiveness cuts against disfavored sexual behavior, against fornication (even between unmarried adults!!), against masturbation, consumption of pornography (as it is a masturbational aid), against commerce in sexual activity, against divorce, and, naturally, against homosexuality. Though the disposition against almost all of these may be traced to sociobiological factors, theocrats prefer to echo them as pronouncements from a deity. And, though they assure their fellow man that such deity will undertake to punish whoever engages in these disfavored activities, they obviously remain unsure enough of that to seek to use the government as an engine of enforcement of their religious restrictions. The brute impositions of Islamic tyrannies simply echoes what would be the situation in America and other Western countries if Christians were able to fully impose their Biblical ideologies on those nations, with a lowly few of the least civilised still deigning, in the name of Christianity to stone sinners to death.
But denouncement of sexual conduct is hardly the only activity upon which theistic faiths seek to bring down the fist of the state. As loose as theistic scriptures are, there is hardly a cause or an industry which may not find cause to restrict the freedom and tap the wallets of individuals on the basis of some religious commandment. Throughout much of history, state-run and enforced public welfare has come at the behest of the Church, and under the prompting of scripture. Remember that the first American compulsory public school systems were established at the direction of Protestants seeking to use these institutions to inculcate the children of Catholic immigrants into Protestant ideology.
Labor movements and environmental laws have equally benefited from citations to religious authority. The Death Penalty is pressed and opposed with equal vigor based on arguments from revelational texts. Slavery found powerful verses to its advantage in the religious books, just as did the opponents of this practice. Costly war has been brought and justified all down history on the wings of words in religious texts, contending that there is a God which wishes this or that group of nonbelievers (or just "other" believers) crushed and subjugated to "its" will in "our" name. Even such simple things as special tax exemptions for theistic institutions (who naetheless continue to generate the public costs of roads and police and fire department services), zoning to favor the interests of the church, and fights over whether textbooks ought to contain scientific or religious accounts, all of these drain the public coffers and create pressures for the government to find ways to extract from the economy what is required to pour into the economic void of theistic fulfillment. And lest we forget that this spigot turns both ways, many are the periods in human experience where the weight of the thumb of government has pushed the pen of the religious writer, so that the words of the religious texts may be rewritten or reinterpreted in line with the interests of the holders of political power.
Pandeism: cutting through the waste and oppression:
The theological theory of pandeism offers none of these reasons for waste and oppression in the name of religious faith. It has no scripture. Again, it instead accounts for all asserted signs of the divine as simple manifestations of the unconscious power of a Creator which only underlies and sustains our Universe -- the most conservative extrapolation to be made from the available evidence. Now there is some logical justifiability to the progressive pandeist sentiment as well, for if we are to believe that all of our shared experience is the experience had by our Creator, we might feel compelled to use the levers of power to ensure a society which provides positive experiences even to the downtrodden.
But the pandeist who is able to surpass the momentary sentimentality of believing that government will tend to operate as it ideally ought to will admit the general and typical failure of government to work with efficiency (except when achieving malevolent ends), or to achieve the very best of its aims. And, it may hardly be denied that each of us, as individuals, is in the best position to determine what will advance our own fulfillment of experience, and to take responsibility for pursuing that advance. We ought not to rely on some collective governmental entity, inevitably and perpetually falling subject to the influences of powerful interests seeking to benefit themselves and not their fellows. And so, the pandeistic model, seen through open eyes, augments the argument of libertarianism and derails the capacity of the theistic faiths to engage government as a tool of oppression in favor of their man-manufactured divine prohibitions.
Friday, December 31, 2010
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Oholah and Oholibah: A Biblical tale with donkey-cocks
The story of Oholah and Oholibah is a genuine honest-to-goodness Bible story, Old Testament wrath of God type stuff. Sure, there are plenty of those, but this one has the added distinction of being one of very few Bible tales to describe swarthy turbaned men with donkey-cocks and horselike semen output splattering a pair of whore-sisters with the stuff. And these are Biblical whore sisters, who not only enjoy a ridiculous quantity of fucking, but who do it not simply for the money, but, as well, out of lust for the cuneiform visages of men from distant tribes whom they had never even seen in person prior to their arrival for the fucking.
Sadly, the sisters come to an end typical of Biblical morality plays -- BibleGod eventually caused them to be cut to pieces, and caused a like fate to befall their little children ('cause there's nothing BibleGod gets a bigger boner over than the killing of the littl'uns). But don't take my word for it -- without further delay, here is the story of that Biblical cum-guzzling siren duo, Oholah and Oholibah (as told by that crazy fucker, Ezekial):
Sadly, the sisters come to an end typical of Biblical morality plays -- BibleGod eventually caused them to be cut to pieces, and caused a like fate to befall their little children ('cause there's nothing BibleGod gets a bigger boner over than the killing of the littl'uns). But don't take my word for it -- without further delay, here is the story of that Biblical cum-guzzling siren duo, Oholah and Oholibah (as told by that crazy fucker, Ezekial):
The word of the LORD came to me:The upside of this tale is that it provides a very easy way to determine the veracity of the Bible, using nothing more than some measuring cups, some Egyptians, and some horse and donkey cocks. Simply use these items to answer the question: do the Egyptians, as the Bible claims, have donkey-cocks and horse-sized ejaculations? Easy enough to find out, just get some Egyptians and put them next to the donkeys and measure their respective cocks. If the Egyptian cocks are the same size as the donkey cocks, the Bible may be true. And, again, with the horse semen. Get the Egyptians to produce some sperm, and get the horses to do the same. If the amount is the same, then the Bible may be true. Now I admit, the latter task may be a hard one to, ahem, pull off. After all, the typical horse ejaculation is about sixteen times as much as the typical human output. But, who knows, maybe the Bible is true and the Egyptians can routinely achieve such a feat.
"Son of man," the LORD began, "there were these two women, daughters of the same mother. They became prostitutes in Egypt, engaging in prostitution from their youth. In that land their breasts were fondled and their virgin bosums caressed. The older was named Oholah, and her sister was Oholibah. They were mine and gave birth to sons and daughters. Oholah is Samaria, and Oholibah is Jerusalem."
"Oholah engaged in prostitution while she was still mine; and she lusted after her lovers, the Assyrians—warriors clothed in blue, governors and commanders, all of them handsome young men, and mounted horsemen. She gave herself as a prostitute to all the elite of the Assyrians and defiled herself with all the idols of everyone she lusted after. She did not give up the prostitution she began in Egypt, when during her youth men slept with her, caressed her virgin bosom and poured out their lust on her."
"Therefore I delivered her into the hands of her lovers, the Assyrians, for whom she lusted. They stripped her naked, took away her sons and daughters and killed her with the sword. She became a byword among women, and punishment was inflicted on her."
"Her sister Oholibah saw this, yet in her lust and prostitution she was more depraved than her sister. She too lusted after the Assyrians—governors and commanders, warriors in full dress, mounted horsemen, all handsome young men. I saw that she too defiled herself; both of them went the same way."
"But she carried her prostitution still further. She saw men portrayed on a wall, figures of Chaldeans portrayed in red, with belts around their waists and flowing turbans on their heads; all of them looked like Babylonian chariot officers, natives of Chaldea. As soon as she saw them, she lusted after them and her pussy got totally moist and she sent messengers to them in Chaldea. Then the Babylonians came to her, to the bed of love, and in their lust they defiled her. After she had been defiled by them, she turned away from them in disgust. When she carried on her prostitution openly and exposed her naked body, I turned away from her in disgust, just as I had turned away from her sister. Yet she became more and more promiscuous as she recalled the days of her youth, when she was a prostitute in Egypt.
There she lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses."
(which means about a cup, for those keeping track, which is more than sixteen times as much a strapping healthy man can usually put out at a time; but then again, they did have donkey-cocks....)
"So you longed for the lewdness of your youth, when in Egypt your bosom was caressed and your young breasts fondled and your nipples were suckled upon and your loins were stroked and your honeypot was stirred and your hindquarters were entered into from the backside."
(at this point in the telling of the story, the LORD jizzed in his robe and was really redfaced and had to take a few minutes to compose himself before getting to the fire-and-brimstone part)
"Therefore, Oholibah, this is what the Sovereign LORD says: I will stir up your lovers against you, those you turned away from in disgust, and I will bring them against you from every side— the Babylonians and all the Chaldeans, the men of Pekod and Shoa and Koa, and all the Assyrians with them, handsome young men, all of them governors and commanders, chariot officers and men of high rank, all mounted on horses. They will come against you with weapons, chariots and wagons and with a throng of people; they will take up positions against you on every side with large and small shields and with helmets. I will turn you over to them for punishment, and they will punish you according to their standards. I will direct my jealous anger against you, and they will deal with you in fury. They will cut off your noses and your ears, and those of you who are left will fall by the sword."
(at this point, the LORD jizzed in his robe again and was really embarrassed, and hemmed and harrumphed a bit while digging up a clean one, and then he got on with telling the terrible things he would do to the whores....)
"They will take away your sons and daughters, and those of you who are left will be consumed by fire. They will also strip you of your clothes and take your fine jewelry. So I will put a stop to the lewdness and prostitution you began in Egypt. You will not look on these things with longing or remember Egypt anymore."
"For this is what the Sovereign LORD says: I am about to deliver you into the hands of those you hate, to those you turned away from in disgust. They will deal with you in hatred and take away everything you have worked for. They will leave you stark naked, and the shame of your prostitution will be exposed. Your lewdness and promiscuity have brought this on you, because you lusted after the nations and defiled yourself with their idols. You have gone the way of your sister; so I will put her cup into your hand."
This is what the Sovereign LORD says:
"You will drink your sister's cup,And, after a suitably dramatic pause, "I have spoken," declares the Sovereign LORD. (and why is BibleGod always doing that, speaking and then when he has finished speaking declaring that he has spoken, like people wouldn't realise that speaking was going on.... that wouldn't make sense unless BibleGod really just didn't even exist at all and -- hey, wait a minute!!)
a cup large and deep;
it will bring scorn and derision,
for it holds so much.
You will be filled with drunkenness and sorrow,
the cup of ruin and desolation,
the cup of your sister Samaria.
You will drink it and drain it dry
and chew on its pieces—
and you will tear your breasts."
Sunday, October 03, 2010
Masturpraytion
It's the hot new trend that's rocking the nation -- it's masturpraytion!! Straightforwardly enough, masturpraytion is the combining of two of the most profound human activities -- that is, of masturbation with prayer.
Now there are different ways these things can conceptually be unified, and probably most commonly what would arise in the mind would be praying you don't get caught whacking off in a compromising position. As in "doing some serious masturpraytion over cousin Sophie's bikini photos on Facebook, cause God help me if I get caught whacking off to that."
But masturpraytion can be something far more serious and meaningful than that: the paying of an humble homage to our Creator by joyously making use of the self-pleasuring capacity (and equipment) with which thou hast been blessed!! How strange a thing it is that some imagine in the same (non-pleasuring) stroke that there exists a Creator of our Universe which is at the same time omniscient, and yet is especially condemnatory as to the reproductive organ manipulation action of some of the hairless bipeds occupying the surface of a dustspeck planet circling one amongst hundreds of billions of average stars in an average galaxy, in an average galactic cluster, in what for all we know may well be an average Universe. This is not to suppose that such a Creator takes no notice of humankind and other potential beings of comparable (and indeed superior) self-awareness, for that surely makes us interesting to partake of....
But consider again, the very nature of omniscience; for an omniscient being would (as was abundantly mathematically proved by Duke University physicist Robert G. Brown with his Pandeist Theorem) effectively be a one-to-one information map of our entire Universe, and so, would have to actually be (or more aptly contain our Universe); and so would have the full experience of our every moment of pleasure and pain, and indeed our perspective of those every moments. And so, it would be correct to conclude that in every instance of self-gratification, thou art sharing in the exactitudes of that experience with any omniscient Creator which might exist, and it is as such that our masturbation equals giving a handjob to God!!*
And so, what better way could there be to venerate the awesomeness of the entity than to share with it the moments of pleasure which we may most intimately experience for ourselves? Well, except, naturally, by doubling that pleasure in the sharing of those sensations with a partner, for it is also proclaimed that those who "pray" together "stay" together.
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* (Well naturally a masturbating girl would not be giving a "handjob" unless you use the term broadly to address doing any such job by hand. But the effect is the same.)
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