Sunday, October 03, 2010
It's the hot new trend that's rocking the nation -- it's masturpraytion!! Straightforwardly enough, masturpraytion is the combining of two of the most profound human activities -- that is, of masturbation with prayer.
Now there are different ways these things can conceptually be unified, and probably most commonly what would arise in the mind would be praying you don't get caught whacking off in a compromising position. As in "doing some serious masturpraytion over cousin Sophie's bikini photos on Facebook, cause God help me if I get caught whacking off to that."
But masturpraytion can be something far more serious and meaningful than that: the paying of an humble homage to our Creator by joyously making use of the self-pleasuring capacity (and equipment) with which thou hast been blessed!! How strange a thing it is that some imagine in the same (non-pleasuring) stroke that there exists a Creator of our Universe which is at the same time omniscient, and yet is especially condemnatory as to the reproductive organ manipulation action of some of the hairless bipeds occupying the surface of a dustspeck planet circling one amongst hundreds of billions of average stars in an average galaxy, in an average galactic cluster, in what for all we know may well be an average Universe. This is not to suppose that such a Creator takes no notice of humankind and other potential beings of comparable (and indeed superior) self-awareness, for that surely makes us interesting to partake of....
But consider again, the very nature of omniscience; for an omniscient being would (as was abundantly mathematically proved by Duke University physicist Robert G. Brown with his Pandeist Theorem) effectively be a one-to-one information map of our entire Universe, and so, would have to actually be (or more aptly contain our Universe); and so would have the full experience of our every moment of pleasure and pain, and indeed our perspective of those every moments. And so, it would be correct to conclude that in every instance of self-gratification, thou art sharing in the exactitudes of that experience with any omniscient Creator which might exist, and it is as such that our masturbation equals giving a handjob to God!!*
And so, what better way could there be to venerate the awesomeness of the entity than to share with it the moments of pleasure which we may most intimately experience for ourselves? Well, except, naturally, by doubling that pleasure in the sharing of those sensations with a partner, for it is also proclaimed that those who "pray" together "stay" together.
* (Well naturally a masturbating girl would not be giving a "handjob" unless you use the term broadly to address doing any such job by hand. But the effect is the same.)